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Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Thursday, June 9, 2011
woah God...
Okay, woah. God has overwhelmed Michael and me during the months of May and June 2011. He really rained down his blessing.
In the middle of May, Michael and I were offerred jobs at Norwalk Alliance Church in Norwalk, Ohio. For those of you who don't know, this is my home church where my parents still attend as well as my sister. My grandparents and many dear and missed friends still live in Norwalk as well. In all honesty, when we first started talking with Norwalk, we didn't really think God would lead us there. We love our church here in Marion. :) However, after several months of prayer and situations that could be none other than God's hand, we decided to interview and accept the jobs. Michael will be the Family Ministries and Youth Pastor and I will be the Director of Worship Ministries. God's plans all the way. So exciting.
Well, three days after that I found out I was pregnant, only a month after going on medicine for hypothyroidism. Right now I'm due in late January/early February but we will know more at our ultrasound next week. And even though we lost our last little one and by my very nature, I should be worried sick about the baby I am currently carrying......I'm not. It's supernatural in the sense that I am completely trusting God with this, and I just have a feeling that this is God's hand. And as much as I STILL mourn the loss of our baby in December, I am a little grateful to not be 35 weeks pregnant right now as we move, and to not have a newborn as I try to start a new job at a new church. Thank you God that your ways are not my ways.
And, the day after we found out we were pregnant, we bid on a house. We are now in the process of signing our lives away and should close on our first house at the beginning of July.
EDIT: I also need to add that this week, also, Michael just FINISHED SCHOOL! We haven't gotten the diploma in the mail yet, but he officially is done with his masters'! Michael Bochman, Master of Divinity! That was 5 years of hard work. I am so proud of him and so excited for no more homework on days off, haha.
I would say it's insane, but it isn't at all. It's God's blessing. It's just that until now, I haven't experienced it in such a heap before. :)
In the middle of May, Michael and I were offerred jobs at Norwalk Alliance Church in Norwalk, Ohio. For those of you who don't know, this is my home church where my parents still attend as well as my sister. My grandparents and many dear and missed friends still live in Norwalk as well. In all honesty, when we first started talking with Norwalk, we didn't really think God would lead us there. We love our church here in Marion. :) However, after several months of prayer and situations that could be none other than God's hand, we decided to interview and accept the jobs. Michael will be the Family Ministries and Youth Pastor and I will be the Director of Worship Ministries. God's plans all the way. So exciting.
Well, three days after that I found out I was pregnant, only a month after going on medicine for hypothyroidism. Right now I'm due in late January/early February but we will know more at our ultrasound next week. And even though we lost our last little one and by my very nature, I should be worried sick about the baby I am currently carrying......I'm not. It's supernatural in the sense that I am completely trusting God with this, and I just have a feeling that this is God's hand. And as much as I STILL mourn the loss of our baby in December, I am a little grateful to not be 35 weeks pregnant right now as we move, and to not have a newborn as I try to start a new job at a new church. Thank you God that your ways are not my ways.
And, the day after we found out we were pregnant, we bid on a house. We are now in the process of signing our lives away and should close on our first house at the beginning of July.
EDIT: I also need to add that this week, also, Michael just FINISHED SCHOOL! We haven't gotten the diploma in the mail yet, but he officially is done with his masters'! Michael Bochman, Master of Divinity! That was 5 years of hard work. I am so proud of him and so excited for no more homework on days off, haha.
I would say it's insane, but it isn't at all. It's God's blessing. It's just that until now, I haven't experienced it in such a heap before. :)
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Growing Up...
I love it when, even in the midst of trials--whether big or the day-to-day things, I can actually SEE in my actions, the result of trials producing maturity and completeness. Being a pastor's wife is hard. But it is so amazing how God is molding me (and Michael, for that matter) like gold in a refining fire, and I am amazed at the power of God (because this strength certainly doesn't come from myself!) in me during trials. If I reflect on last summer or even a few years ago when Michael and I first started in ministry together, I would have absolute MELTDOWNS about things: conflicts, changes, uncertainties. It's almost embarassing how much anxiety these things caused; I knew it was bad when I was at the doctor (just the plain ol' family doctor) last year and she asked me point blank if I wanted something for my anxiety. And anxiety it may have been...but mixed carefully with a huge dose of spiritual warfare. I am not exaggerating when I say I was having MELTDOWNS. Ugh. I am so weak.
And yet, when I realize, in retrospect that I use that word to describe my initial reaction to the trials of life in ministry, it JUST popped in my head that gold gets "melted down" in order to be purified.
And I still have lots of impurities and bad branches on my vine that need to be pruned (and so does my wonderful husband), but I am AMAZED at how much better I handle stress and uncertainty than I did even a year ago. I am amazed at how much I have grown up and learned to be an adult. What a rich thing to gain from trials. Thanks, God.
I will end with this:
"Let me hear Your lovingkindness in the morning; for I trust in You"
Psalm 143:8
"Listen to me, victims of mistreatment. More importantly, please listen to God's truth. He has a hundred different messages to give you during a hundred different dungeon experiences. He knows just the right message at just the right time, and all it takes to receive it is a sensitive, obedient, trusting heart. Not one that is preoccupied with revenge or bitterness or hostility, but a heart that says, "Lord, God, help me right now. Right at this moment. Deliver me from my own prison. Help me to see beyond the darkness, to see Your hand. As I am being crushed, remold me. Help me to see You in this....."
Pray that prayer. Turn your trial into trust as you look to God to tenderly use that affliction, that dungeon, that abandonment for His purpose....
In the midst of all this, remember, God has not abandoned you. He has not forgotten you. He never left. He understands the heartache."
Wisdom for the Way
Charles Swindoll
And yet, when I realize, in retrospect that I use that word to describe my initial reaction to the trials of life in ministry, it JUST popped in my head that gold gets "melted down" in order to be purified.
And I still have lots of impurities and bad branches on my vine that need to be pruned (and so does my wonderful husband), but I am AMAZED at how much better I handle stress and uncertainty than I did even a year ago. I am amazed at how much I have grown up and learned to be an adult. What a rich thing to gain from trials. Thanks, God.
I will end with this:
"Let me hear Your lovingkindness in the morning; for I trust in You"
Psalm 143:8
"Listen to me, victims of mistreatment. More importantly, please listen to God's truth. He has a hundred different messages to give you during a hundred different dungeon experiences. He knows just the right message at just the right time, and all it takes to receive it is a sensitive, obedient, trusting heart. Not one that is preoccupied with revenge or bitterness or hostility, but a heart that says, "Lord, God, help me right now. Right at this moment. Deliver me from my own prison. Help me to see beyond the darkness, to see Your hand. As I am being crushed, remold me. Help me to see You in this....."
Pray that prayer. Turn your trial into trust as you look to God to tenderly use that affliction, that dungeon, that abandonment for His purpose....
In the midst of all this, remember, God has not abandoned you. He has not forgotten you. He never left. He understands the heartache."
Wisdom for the Way
Charles Swindoll
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Oh how I marvel: God is good
Okay, so I said I'd write more about my last post when I have time. Well, I have time now, on a snowy Saturday morning...all drinkin' my coffee while Michael reads one of his theology books. This entry is not going to be very cohesive, because I have lots of things to say. :) Just a warning.
Anyways, in regards to the baby that Michael and I lost last December, it was a sad, sad, sad thing. The doctor reminded me that it was nothing that I did that caused this...that 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriages for natural reasons, and he assured me that everything else looks great and we can try again as soon as we feel ready. The way I mourned this baby was so strange; at the time of the miscarriage, all that I really could focus on was the physical pain, which was terrible. (Some ladies at work told me that their miscarriages were more painful than their childbirths.) This makes me feel like a tough cookie. Anyways, I was more interested in the whole process of things at the time. Usually, when babies are lost in the first trimester (when most miscarriages happen) it is because something just didn't "line up right" with the chromosomes, and I find it neat that God has built our bodies to detect something like that, just like I find it neat that a woman's body is programmed to know how to grow a baby in the first place. I know that sounds SO strange that I was marvelling at my miscarriage, but I was. Just like I will marvel some day when I have a child. I feel like, even though this was such a sad disappointment, it was very much evidence that, even physiologically, I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I hope that doesn't sound too crass or hardened,given that I just lost a little life that was half of me, because a child who develops and is born, healthy or disabled,is made in the image of God and is beautiful. But our bodies are so amazing sometimes. And in a way, a lot of the peace I felt after this miscarriage was because I felt "protected" by this filter God so neatly designed. Once again, I hope that doesn't sound too hard or callous; I wanted to share it because marvelling at this whole process opened me up even more to the idea that, in a very real way, God allows us pain because he loves us. And in this, I found peace and still find peace when I tear up thinking about my perfect little one in heaven, which happens out-of-the blue, sometimes often, sometimes interspersed between days or even weeks. I felt depressed, but I never felt devastated. I have peace.
Then, two days ago, I went to a memorial service at my church for a girl at church who lost her baby at 35 weeks due to a sudden umbilical cord problem. I don't know what the purpose of her pain is and I think we are all asking God, "why?" This situation can't be neatly processed and I can't come up with a neat little explanation like I can with mine. My miscarriage feels "right." But hers, I think it will always feel "wrong." It seems like so much more of an injustice and I am struggling with more questions about why she lost her baby than why I lost mine. Yet, God is good. I don't think there is any other way to live life except for in that knowledge.
In fact, the morning after I had heard the knews of her losing her little girl, I woke up and the sun was FINALLY shining after a week of gray...and I was overwhelmed with God's goodness. In fact, my facebook status that morning ('cause we all know that our lives can be pretty much summed up in our facebook statuses...or not) said something along the lines of,
"is amazed when the sun comes up in the morning, that the world keeps on spinning, whether there is sadness or rejoicing the day before; life goes on, and it has to be lived in the knowledge that God is good. There is no other way."
And I think this is what I have learned from this whole experience of losing a baby, even if that baby was only the size of a gummy bear and probably never had a heart beat--or, if like my friend's little girl, the baby was healthy and whole and could have survived in the world if not for one horrible incident: God is good. And his goodness doesn't change because we start seeing him as "not good." His peace, which covers me and her and victims of tragedy far worse is amazing in the fact that is truly does pass understanding. When those who have every right to be angry and restless feel peace in peace-less circumstances, it is one of the truest testimonies of God's goodness. Thank you, babies in heaven, for helping to teach this to me. <3
Anyways, in regards to the baby that Michael and I lost last December, it was a sad, sad, sad thing. The doctor reminded me that it was nothing that I did that caused this...that 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriages for natural reasons, and he assured me that everything else looks great and we can try again as soon as we feel ready. The way I mourned this baby was so strange; at the time of the miscarriage, all that I really could focus on was the physical pain, which was terrible. (Some ladies at work told me that their miscarriages were more painful than their childbirths.) This makes me feel like a tough cookie. Anyways, I was more interested in the whole process of things at the time. Usually, when babies are lost in the first trimester (when most miscarriages happen) it is because something just didn't "line up right" with the chromosomes, and I find it neat that God has built our bodies to detect something like that, just like I find it neat that a woman's body is programmed to know how to grow a baby in the first place. I know that sounds SO strange that I was marvelling at my miscarriage, but I was. Just like I will marvel some day when I have a child. I feel like, even though this was such a sad disappointment, it was very much evidence that, even physiologically, I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I hope that doesn't sound too crass or hardened,given that I just lost a little life that was half of me, because a child who develops and is born, healthy or disabled,is made in the image of God and is beautiful. But our bodies are so amazing sometimes. And in a way, a lot of the peace I felt after this miscarriage was because I felt "protected" by this filter God so neatly designed. Once again, I hope that doesn't sound too hard or callous; I wanted to share it because marvelling at this whole process opened me up even more to the idea that, in a very real way, God allows us pain because he loves us. And in this, I found peace and still find peace when I tear up thinking about my perfect little one in heaven, which happens out-of-the blue, sometimes often, sometimes interspersed between days or even weeks. I felt depressed, but I never felt devastated. I have peace.
Then, two days ago, I went to a memorial service at my church for a girl at church who lost her baby at 35 weeks due to a sudden umbilical cord problem. I don't know what the purpose of her pain is and I think we are all asking God, "why?" This situation can't be neatly processed and I can't come up with a neat little explanation like I can with mine. My miscarriage feels "right." But hers, I think it will always feel "wrong." It seems like so much more of an injustice and I am struggling with more questions about why she lost her baby than why I lost mine. Yet, God is good. I don't think there is any other way to live life except for in that knowledge.
In fact, the morning after I had heard the knews of her losing her little girl, I woke up and the sun was FINALLY shining after a week of gray...and I was overwhelmed with God's goodness. In fact, my facebook status that morning ('cause we all know that our lives can be pretty much summed up in our facebook statuses...or not) said something along the lines of,
"is amazed when the sun comes up in the morning, that the world keeps on spinning, whether there is sadness or rejoicing the day before; life goes on, and it has to be lived in the knowledge that God is good. There is no other way."
And I think this is what I have learned from this whole experience of losing a baby, even if that baby was only the size of a gummy bear and probably never had a heart beat--or, if like my friend's little girl, the baby was healthy and whole and could have survived in the world if not for one horrible incident: God is good. And his goodness doesn't change because we start seeing him as "not good." His peace, which covers me and her and victims of tragedy far worse is amazing in the fact that is truly does pass understanding. When those who have every right to be angry and restless feel peace in peace-less circumstances, it is one of the truest testimonies of God's goodness. Thank you, babies in heaven, for helping to teach this to me. <3
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Life, Death, and Happiness
I have been pretty absent for the past, oh, 5 months. I love to blog. I really do. I'm not sure what happened. Well, I sorta do, actually kinda...
God proved himself faithful in a lot of the things I was writing about last August, and life continued to roll on. Michael and I decided we were ready to become parents shortly before our 2 year anniversary...and BAM!
Yep! We were elated, and almost shocked. We had been trying for several months (amidst me and all of my stress, yikes) but it never felt real once it happened.
Well, in fact, it was starting to feel real. We actually put up a blank stocking above the fireplace for the baby.
Then, we had an ultrasound at the end of November that showed us that this pregnancy wasn't turning out how we would have liked, unless I had my dates wrong (which I knew I didn't). And on December 5th, 2010,when I was 8 weeks and 6 days along, we lost the baby. It was painful physically and emotionally. Our estimated due date was going to be July 11, 2011.
I learned so much from this experience, and most of it was for the good. I still get down and sad about this little life that we lost, but God has taught me a lot through it. I don't have time to share all of that now. I will write again soon, because it's all really good stuff. What you mostly need to know is that, after a few days of tears and "why's" and a sadness I only barely touched but had never known, I asked Michael if he would help me take down our little blank stocking from above the fireplace. He obliged, and together we folded it up and put it away. Then, he turned to me and said, "You know what Amy? There is a good chance that next year, at this time, there will be a name on that stocking."
And that put it all in perspective. And even if we end up like others I have talked to who took a while to conceive again after miscarriage, or if we end up like those who got pregnant very soon, God is good in it all and we trust him.
For now, Michael and I have to pack for our big 2 year anniversary get-away (a month delayed) at Kalihari Resort in Sandusky, Ohio. I'm looking forward to lazy rivers, caramel apples, and time with my best friend.
God proved himself faithful in a lot of the things I was writing about last August, and life continued to roll on. Michael and I decided we were ready to become parents shortly before our 2 year anniversary...and BAM!
Yep! We were elated, and almost shocked. We had been trying for several months (amidst me and all of my stress, yikes) but it never felt real once it happened.
Well, in fact, it was starting to feel real. We actually put up a blank stocking above the fireplace for the baby.
Then, we had an ultrasound at the end of November that showed us that this pregnancy wasn't turning out how we would have liked, unless I had my dates wrong (which I knew I didn't). And on December 5th, 2010,when I was 8 weeks and 6 days along, we lost the baby. It was painful physically and emotionally. Our estimated due date was going to be July 11, 2011.
I learned so much from this experience, and most of it was for the good. I still get down and sad about this little life that we lost, but God has taught me a lot through it. I don't have time to share all of that now. I will write again soon, because it's all really good stuff. What you mostly need to know is that, after a few days of tears and "why's" and a sadness I only barely touched but had never known, I asked Michael if he would help me take down our little blank stocking from above the fireplace. He obliged, and together we folded it up and put it away. Then, he turned to me and said, "You know what Amy? There is a good chance that next year, at this time, there will be a name on that stocking."
And that put it all in perspective. And even if we end up like others I have talked to who took a while to conceive again after miscarriage, or if we end up like those who got pregnant very soon, God is good in it all and we trust him.
For now, Michael and I have to pack for our big 2 year anniversary get-away (a month delayed) at Kalihari Resort in Sandusky, Ohio. I'm looking forward to lazy rivers, caramel apples, and time with my best friend.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
God's Faithfulness Makes Me Double-Take
Well, in the days since my last entry, God has revealed himself in a way that I honestly, did not think he was going to do. He has proven himself faithful, so much that I've kinda been doing a double take on his faithfulness. You know, like when you see something you just can't believe exists and you look at it and then can't help yourself to look back because you barely believe your eyes?
I guess I barely believe my faith.
Michael and I laid ourselves out and said, "Lord, speak. Speak truth into this darkness and into these lies (if they are lies...I wasn't so sure at the time.)" And whaddya know, he did. He overwhelmed us with an answer to prayer after an answer to prayer after an answer to prayer. We feel needed in ministry. We feel like we're on the right path. I felt so bombarded with peace AND with several concrete answers to prayer in the last week or so that I literally am double-taking God's faithfulness.
Lord, bring me to the place where I don't double-take in disbelief and surprise...or where I don't even single-take. Bring me to a place where my faith is so solid and unwavering where your faithfulness becomes an evident part of my everyday life; not that I would take it for granted. On the contrary--I want to breathe in your faithfulness with thankfulness and exhale all of the things that cause me to doubt.
I guess I barely believe my faith.
Michael and I laid ourselves out and said, "Lord, speak. Speak truth into this darkness and into these lies (if they are lies...I wasn't so sure at the time.)" And whaddya know, he did. He overwhelmed us with an answer to prayer after an answer to prayer after an answer to prayer. We feel needed in ministry. We feel like we're on the right path. I felt so bombarded with peace AND with several concrete answers to prayer in the last week or so that I literally am double-taking God's faithfulness.
Lord, bring me to the place where I don't double-take in disbelief and surprise...or where I don't even single-take. Bring me to a place where my faith is so solid and unwavering where your faithfulness becomes an evident part of my everyday life; not that I would take it for granted. On the contrary--I want to breathe in your faithfulness with thankfulness and exhale all of the things that cause me to doubt.
Friday, August 6, 2010
I Wish I Had Moses' Face
So I'm a firm believer that we shouldn't put exactly how we really feel on facebook as a facebook status. Maybe some people would disagree with me, but I think it just causes drama and can be kind of narcissitic, in a "I feel like crap so let's see who comments to make me feel better" kind of way. But in this blog, I promised to be as real as I can be without being specific. What's more than that, I NEED to be real somewhere where at least some people can see how I really feel. And since waaaaaaaaaaaaay fewer people read this than read my facebook, my prayer is that it won't cause any kind of cyber upheave.
I am flipping miserable. I have been flipping misrable for months now. I am disapponited with everything important in my life...my marriage, ministry, prayer, and God (which is a book I have sitting on my bookshelf)My husband may be feeling okay, but he's used to ministry, he's better at conflict, and he's better at separating people's perceptions from actual reality. I, however, am not. I know that in 50 years I am going to be a well-seasoned, wise, discerning, gracious and fruit-of-the-spirit overflowing pastor's wife. But I pretty much suck in that area right now.
I am sick of dissention. When I have had conflicts with people in the past few years, I have gone to that person and talked to him or her about it. This is the biblical way to approach conflict. And usually, things have been solved from there. But what do you do when other people don't handle their conflict that way? Do you know how much that hurts?
I keep saying I am ready for Jesus to come home. One of my good friends asked me and Michael if we would be interested in skydiving. We can't go, but I honestly can tell you that I probably wouldn't be too afraid to jump out of that plane. If my chute didn't open, I would welcome eternity with God. I am so sick of living this life where the negative almost completely blots out the good. Now now, I'm not suicidal. Please understand me. I'm just ready to be with God and away from all sin, including my own. I am drowning. Some days I come up for air, and some days I don't. Sometimes it's my own fault, and sometimes it's not.
I just don't feel like fighting this fight anymore. I feel like God has given me and Michael peace about our ministry and God's direction is clear, but the fight is still so hard.
What I want, is to be like Moses. I'm praying for my face to shine. Right after Moses' people got done rebelling against him, Moses mosied on up to that mountain, and God blessed him with his presence in such a spectacular way that when he came back down, his face was SHINING.
I do not feel that way. I want to, and I am trusting God to reveal himself, but for now, there is still darkness everywhere and I just want to give up on the fight. This is just me, Amy, being very real. Hold your judgement, release your prayers.
On the lighter side, this video made me laugh and cry, because it is the funny, shallow, "theres-a-light-at-the-end-of-the-tunnel" version of how Michael and I feel right now:
I am flipping miserable. I have been flipping misrable for months now. I am disapponited with everything important in my life...my marriage, ministry, prayer, and God (which is a book I have sitting on my bookshelf)My husband may be feeling okay, but he's used to ministry, he's better at conflict, and he's better at separating people's perceptions from actual reality. I, however, am not. I know that in 50 years I am going to be a well-seasoned, wise, discerning, gracious and fruit-of-the-spirit overflowing pastor's wife. But I pretty much suck in that area right now.
I am sick of dissention. When I have had conflicts with people in the past few years, I have gone to that person and talked to him or her about it. This is the biblical way to approach conflict. And usually, things have been solved from there. But what do you do when other people don't handle their conflict that way? Do you know how much that hurts?
I keep saying I am ready for Jesus to come home. One of my good friends asked me and Michael if we would be interested in skydiving. We can't go, but I honestly can tell you that I probably wouldn't be too afraid to jump out of that plane. If my chute didn't open, I would welcome eternity with God. I am so sick of living this life where the negative almost completely blots out the good. Now now, I'm not suicidal. Please understand me. I'm just ready to be with God and away from all sin, including my own. I am drowning. Some days I come up for air, and some days I don't. Sometimes it's my own fault, and sometimes it's not.
I just don't feel like fighting this fight anymore. I feel like God has given me and Michael peace about our ministry and God's direction is clear, but the fight is still so hard.
What I want, is to be like Moses. I'm praying for my face to shine. Right after Moses' people got done rebelling against him, Moses mosied on up to that mountain, and God blessed him with his presence in such a spectacular way that when he came back down, his face was SHINING.
I do not feel that way. I want to, and I am trusting God to reveal himself, but for now, there is still darkness everywhere and I just want to give up on the fight. This is just me, Amy, being very real. Hold your judgement, release your prayers.
On the lighter side, this video made me laugh and cry, because it is the funny, shallow, "theres-a-light-at-the-end-of-the-tunnel" version of how Michael and I feel right now:
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